Saying Goodbye

Today the Baha’i community of Port Elizabeth had a farewell lunch for me and it is at events like these that reality starts to hit you. I am leaving South Africa. There is a chance that I may not see many of these people again or at least not for a very long time and it actually hurts.

Today a remarkable thing happened, I was giving a small goodbye speech and I almost cried, I know big bad Martha shedding tears? Well no tears were shed but my voice did that wavering high pitched thing and I had to stop for a second but tears or not is besides the point, the point is that I’m leaving and I’m saying goodbye. I’m saying goodbye to people who have been my only family for the last 11 months, who have been my only friends, who have been my whole life. I have a wonderful family and friends at home who have made sure I know that I am missed in Australia and the Port Elizabeth community have been filling the space where they would normally be. It’s not easy to say goodbye to them.

There has been a question which people have been asking me again and again throughout my time here and which I have been giving pretty much the same answer to; Are you enjoying your time in South Africa? Every time I answer with the same thing but with a different intention. Sometimes my answer is because it is truly how I feel and other times my answer is because I don’t want to go on about my time in SA or because I don’t want to tell a South African how much I dislike their country. The answer is always that while I am still in the middle of my time here it’s hard to know what I feel but when I leave and when I’m outside looking back I’ll be able to see and be able to reflect on my experience here.

I have an answer for that question now. I know how I feel about South Africa and it’s not a feeling of hate or resentment or disappointment, although I still see all of these emotions within myself, but now when I think of my time here I think of joy, of growth and learning and I remember all the great people that came into my life.

I was always worried coming into this journey about how difficult it would be when I would have to leave. I know the pain of saying goodbye especially once you’ve fallen in love. I feel in love in 2008 with a place that has impacted my life so much I would not be even half the person that I am if it wasn’t for that place. I fell in love with Vanuatu, I fell in love with its people, with its purity, with its simplicity and with its love. The light in my soul which for so long had been flickering was set to glow in Vanuatu and it will forever be a part of me. I was in Vanuatu for just under a month doing service at the Rawhani Baha’i school. In that time I made friendships that will last for eternity, I found a piece of myself that I thought was gone and when it came time to leave it tore me apart. I was an absolute wreck and it took months to not feel the pain of separation. I knew that if I could hurt that much after only a month how much more could I hurt after a year? This thought has been plaguing me since before I even arrived in South Africa and I think it is as a result of that fear that I have not allowed myself to love as freely and as openly as I did in Vanuatu. I honestly didn’t think I could handle the part where I would have to say goodbye.

Now I am saying goodbye and I am seeing that just like in Vanuatu, although I fought it, South Africa too has taken a piece of me.

My heart and soul are in pieces scattered in the different places that made me whole. In Vanuatu where I found my light, in Sydney where I house my soul, in Haifa where I go for refuge and now in South Africa the place that taught me to grow. I wonder how much more I can tear apart my heart, how many more places will claim a piece?

I feel as though I am not done with South Africa, I feel as though there is more that I have to do here but it is not for now but for another stage of my life. My soul tells me that this is not the end of my African journey. Still soon I will have to say goodbye for the last time, I will have to tear off that piece of my heart as I leave this place. I will try to hold back my throbbing pain as I hold the ones I’m leaving behind and pretend I’m not breaking apart as I turn around and walk away.