The 18th of April marks my last day in Port Elizabeth and my last day of service. In one month from today I will end what has been a whirlwind of events, a vortex of emotions, a dialectic of crisis and victory, an amazing time of growth, self understanding, wonderful new friendships and above all a time of service.
As this day was approaching I looked back on photos of myself from this time last year and reflected on what I was doing then and what I’m doing now. The funny thing is at both times I was travelling, I guess that side of me will never change. This time last year I had just come home from visiting Vanuatu, the first place I ever went for service in January 2008. I had made some of the most wonderful friendships of my life there and so I went back to visit the friends I had made and to be back in the place that my soul calls home.
Looking back on other photos there were times I could hardly recognise myself, not only because my hair colour has changed or because the clothes I was wearing are still in Sydney but because I remembered the way the world looked to me back then, I remembered what was the most important to me then, I remembered what kind of person I was. None of these things were bad but the growth that I have experienced recently is so great that I feel like that girl that said goodbye to her family in Sydney all those months ago is not going to be coming home.
Normally when I notice that I have developed as a person it’s based on a year by year scale but this time I can look back on myself a few months ago and see that I’ve changed. I looked at photos from Johannesburg when I first arrived here and I was having the same feelings about myself as I did with the photos from when I was still in Sydney. Amazing what service can do. It reminds me of this quote from Shoghi Effendi...
"The more we search for ourselves, the less likely we are to find ourselves; and the more we search for God, and to serve our fellow-men, the more profoundly will we become acquainted with ourselves, and the more inwardly assured. This is one of the great spiritual laws of life."
(Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 114)
I didn’t come to South Africa to find myself, when I left Sydney I thought the person I was was pretty great. I didn’t think I needed much self tuning or any major personality repairs but the more I was tested during this service, the more hardships I faced, the more things went wrong or people treated me badly, the more I realised that there were things about myself that I wasn’t happy with and it wasn’t even a process of change requiring tonnes of effort that made me develop from these weak points that I saw but a natural reaction of me realigning myself to counter the things that were going wrong around me. I can’t pinpoint a specific time or place that this change began or be able to note when the greatest change occurred, it just happened and one day I looked at myself and saw that I was different.
It really is true that you see the best and the worst of yourself when you are serving. I’ve seen things within myself that I am just shocked at, how easily I lost control of myself and fell into black pits of despair and I’ve also been so amazingly proud of myself for how I’ve managed to survive through everything and continue to go on with almost no support from anyone. I’ve seen myself reach my heaviest weight while in South Africa, tipping the scales for the first time in my life over 50kgs when this time last year I was in the best shape of my life. I won’t detail everything that I’ve noticed because it is personal reflection but I will say that for those who I will see again in Sydney you’re going to notice that this Martha is not the same as the one you said goodbye to. I am the upgraded version of myself, fully installed with new life handling powers and an ability to kinda cook (mum will be happy about that one).
So now maybe just an outline of what will happen after this month is over. From South Africa I am flying to Madrid, Spain to visit my uncle and his family who I haven’t seen in a couple years. I’ll be spending a month in Spain and potentially going to Haifa, Israel in that time also for a few days to visit my big sister Melody and spend time in the Shrines. The arrival home will be towards the end of May and I have already started my application to do my Masters in Building and Sustainable Design for second semester of this year at the University of Sydney. That gives me 2 solid months to work and pay off all the debt that I have accumulated over this year, which means I also need to find a job and I’m open for suggestions on what I should do.
Honestly, I know it’s cliché, but I cannot believe that it has almost been a year already and at the same time I can’t believe that it’s only been almost a year, it really feels like forever.
Truth be told I can’t wait to get to Spain and see something new, although I’m sure it’s going to be difficult to leave. As much as I’ve stated my dislike for South Africa I actually think I’ll miss it.
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