In a previous post The Anxiety of Happiness I talked about how sometimes it can be difficult to not feel guilty for complaining because I came on service completely out of my own volition and knowing full well that service comes with tests and hard times. I don't plan on revisiting the topic in this post but rather I would like to share this with you. It comes from the writings of Abdu'l-Baha and was sent to me by a friend who had found it when he was facing tests and difficulties while he was on service.
Reading it gave me such happiness and an utter sense of relief (as most the Baha'i Writings do) and so as always when I find something that brings me happiness I like to share it.
"The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plough and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire, the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the more greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties . . . Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows."
('Abdu'l-Bahá, Star of the West, vol. XIV, no. 2, p. 41)
What this passage has taught me is that South Africa has brought me so much closer to perfection I can taste it. No but in all seriousness the last 2 weeks have been the most difficult of the trip so far. It was like I fell right back to square one. Again I was questioning whether or not it was right for me to be here because everything just felt so wrong. I was stressed to the point where I became physically sick. I stopped eating for a week, I couldn't sleep, I had a constant headache and my anxiety levels were so high all because I felt lost again, the same feeling of confusion that I felt in the weeks before I went to Uganda. For those who don't remember it took me 8 attempts to get my visa renewed before it finally expired and I had to leave the country. When you try that many times to get your visa sorted out and everytime something goes wrong you start to wonder if maybe it's a sign you shouldn't be there and that is exactly what was going through my head. This time it wasn't about whether I could stay in the country or not but whether or not I would have a place to live in this country. My host family had agreed to have me till December/January and now that it's January I had to look for somewhere to live and once again just like the visa thing nothing worked out. Everyday I was searching for a place to rent and either no one wanted to rent to me for only 4 months or they were asking for ridiculous amounts for a house the size of a shoe box. Finally it reached the point where I actually did not have a place to live and thankfully one of the other Baha'i families in Port Elizabeth agreed to take me in while I continued to look. The stress was unbearable, I really started to question again whether this was a sign that I shouldn't be here. As always, however, things sorted themselves out and I have arranged a home for myself. Also a wonderful week in Addo helped to calm my nerves and get me eating again but that will be another blog post.
The strangest thing that happened during this whole ordeal was actually that I was grateful that things were going wrong. I mean if things went smoothley and I found a place to live just like that and everything was dandy then that means that I'm not getting tested anymore and if I'm not getting tested I don't get to reach perfection. It's kind of a strange place to be in, enjoying hardships and sufferings so you can add them to your list of life struggles that made you a better person. Me and Bayan (who has kindly offered to take me in and give me a home) now always joke about how we are going to make life difficult for ourselves just so that we can claim that we are becoming more perfect.
I guess I hope this maybe assists in offereing you another perspective on the hardships of life. It is strange how we complain about the difficult times when it's those difficult times that make our lives mean something. No one's ever written a book on how they had a perfect life and everything was butterflies and roses and if someone has written a book like that I doubt anyone is reading it. Although the ultimate goal is to create a world where people don't have to suffer for the time being we should take advantage of all the horrible things that come our way in this life because it is exactly those things that will help us attain perfection and just between you and me if you want to fast track your journey to perfection just come to South Africa, there's plenty of opportunity to suffer here. Like the title of the post says perfection here I come.
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