This road trip was so much more to me than just an adventure or an opportunity to see pretty places, it was actually a symbolic representation of my need to reclaim control over my own life.
Maybe something that effects some people more than others or perhaps it doesn't effect some people at all, but it is something that consumes so much of my own life is the need for control. Losing control makes me nervous, anxious, stressed... There are things that I can be completely spontaneous about like where we go to eat or what movie we watch and things like that. There are even other things that I can be completely relaxed about and leave everything to chance like our road trip where we made no specific plans and just went with the flow but when it comes to my life, where I live, what I can and can't do, who I have to answer to in order to do it... etc then I need control.
I guess that's why I love driving so much, I love being totally in control of something. I turn the steering wheel right and the car goes right, I press the accelerator and the car accelerates, I break and the car stops. The car, its entire being and everything it does is dependant on me and I love that feeling and the power that it offers me.
In a time where I felt that I had wholly lost control of my life; I wasn't living where I wanted to live which meant my life was once again restricted by things that were beyond my control, the last taxi to Motherwell leaves town at 8pm so the latest I can be out is 8pm otherwise I have to find someone to stay with which doesn't always work out, I live with a family which is not what I wanted, it means that I can't do all the things I wanted to do without asking for permission like having gatherings at my house or classes or just inviting people over for dinner and I am relying on my parents sending me money so I don't have as much freedom as I want, I decided to do something that made me feel empowered again. Where I would choose what I wanted and didn't want to do, I would choose the time, I would decide on the place, absolutely everything, I decided to do something that gave me back my control.. I decided to go on a road trip.
You can see how driving a car for 6 days would be symbolic of my sense of regaining control and on that first day everything was exactly as I imagined it. I love driving, I love open highways, the scenery vanishing past on either side as I fly forward, no reason to break as there's nothing but empty road ahead of me, losing myself in my thoughts as the rhythm of the car's movement along the tar road harmonises with the patterns of thoughts that beat through my mind. This was exactly what I wanted and felt that I needed at that time. I wanted a period of time that was all about me and I really felt like I deserved it.
It's interesting the things that appear in our lives when we are going through such stages. The first day of driving had been wonderful, Bayan and I had just arrived in Plettenburg Bay and we were at the fish and chips shop ordering fish and chips for me and a cheese and tomato sandwich for the vegetarian Bayan and we had asked the girl at the counter for directions to the beach. She gave us a local newspaper which has a map of the area in it and as I was looking at this map I noticed something on the back which caught my eye. It was an article which I will share which was just so thought provoking but so simple at the same time. Bayan and I sat on the beach with our picnic and I read it to her and we both sat and watched the ocean as we thought about the implications of it in our own lives, until of coarse the seagull came and ruined our tranquil, pondering mood.
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled up three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them boil without saying a word.
After some time she turned off the burners, she fished out the carrots and placed them in a bowl, she took out the eggs and placed them in a bowl and then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter she asked, "Tell me what you see?"
"Carrots, eggs and coffee" she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked her to take the egg and break it. After pulling off the shell she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter asked her mother "What does this mean?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subject to the boiling water it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile, its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after some trial or hardship have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
May we all be coffee!
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